Dear Diary: I’m Not Normal.

This is going to give some of you jerks the wrong idea,

but I fucking love boners.
They’re awesome.   I don’t know why women get offended when a guy is aroused by them. I mean, if he’s clearly imagining creepy shit and looks like the bad guy from The Smurfs, sure, but a regular ol’ dude with a boner?

Glad I could, help, buddy.  But if you touch me I will murder you. With Science.

I don’t know what that means, it just sounded really smart and efficient.  Touch is good, though. I like touching. My mom calls it “human touch”—which is just an example of how she’s constantly ripping off Bruce Springstein lyrics trying  to pass them off as her own folksy wisdom.
But fuck
my mom–back to touching.  It’s weird how being touched by someone you just met at a bar versus someone you are next to on a bus feels so incredibly different.  They could be the same person, even. Doesn’t matter.

Also, the words, “I want to touch you”, spoken, by anyone, sound really creepy.

Even worse, “I want to touch ON you.”  Improper grammar really drives it home.

“Girl, I wanna touch on you”.

“I want to caress you,” sounds fucking pathetic.

I want to kiss you— totally normal.

Words.   So Simple, and yet not.

So, my roommate is a 25 year old dude who occasionally forgets that he has a human brain and says things like,

“Take your shirt off. Do it”.

“Oh, ok. I was on the fence about it, but then you whispered “do it”.  Here are mah tits, ya like em’?
Nope.  Sorry, bro.
If you want to climb the whole fuck your emotionally unstable roommate tree, have the balls to play a game you can WIN.

I’ve been mastering level after level of Fuck Kingdom for Yeeeears.

I make dudes cry out of forced self actualization.

Boys!  Don’t you know what women want?  We want men!   And most of you have no idea what that means.  It does not mean acting all hard and refusing to show your emotions.  .

Let me put it to you this way:  Who do you want to be ?

Tim “the Tool-Man” Taylor, or Antonio Banderas?

What would Antonio Banderas do??  He would use charm and musk tinged instinct!

Would Antonio need to use tickling as an excuse to touch a lady? Fuck no.  Get it together!


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