Khaki Pants in Whispertown

A lot of things seem to “make people uncomfortable”. Said people are usually bastards. Or idiots. One of the quickest ways to find out whether or not you hate someone is to jump straight into an earnest, forthright conversation about Politics and/or Religion. Dear Abby and Miss Manners would tell you that I’m “breaking all the rules”, but guess what? Have you ever seen a stray dog running amok in your neighborhood? Nine times out of ten, he belongs to someone. But for that brief moment, he’s free. Just pissing on things and raping other dogs to his heart’s content. Now think about the life and mannerisms of a person (maybe your fat neighbor) whose life is so organized and pious that you’re afraid to invite him over for an innocent beer. (What if you CUSS)?!

That guy’s kind of lifestyle is bullshit. It causes heart attacks. Seriously.

Break the goddamned rules! Unless they’re safety warnings on hazardous chemicals or meant to genuinely protect you, most rules are just garbage made up by people wearing khaki pants, who’ve got names like “Terry”, or “Rich”. These are the people who teach children that masturbation is wrong. Do you know what happens when you are so religious that you don’t even wank it occasionally? You do some weird stuff. Let’s just say I know from experience. I’m not telling you anything else. What is this, confession???

Also, examine your belief system if at one point, it was fucking sold to you.

Imagine I came to your house, uninvited, donning a cheap-looking suit and suspiciously slicked-back hair. You’re a pretty cool person, so you open the door and invite me in, based on the promise I give you that I’m “Going to show you something that will change your life”. First of all, if you let this happen, you’re a fucking idiot. At least have a sassy comeback.

Generally speaking, anyone with slicked back hair who just up and appears, knocking at your door, is not going to change your life for the better. Ever heard of Satan? Exaaaactly. No-one needs a vacuum that powerful.

Politics

Do you remember being a kid and deciding on your opinions? Things like, “My favorite color is blue”. How did you come to those choices? I asked a four year-old where the best place on Earth was, and she gleefully said, “Mexicoooo!”. She’s wrong. Mexico sucks. But four year-olds don’t know anything about Government. She just liked the beach.

Politics and Politicians in general are essentially just like all the gangsters in wild-ass Mexico, but clean-shaven with slightly more violent sexual fantasies. It’s all a lame rich-person lawn game, and they’re playing you. They smugly believe that you’re too stupid to figure out that they’re fucking you over, and they wield their power any chance they get, because their penises are on the small side. It’s simple Science.

There was a study done by a group of anthropologists in which they examined the lives of our closest genetic ancestor, the Chimpanzee. The Scientists on the project observed anomalous behavior in a specific Chimp, who, upon discovering the respect and attention of his peers acquired by simply banging two metal garbage can lids together, ran through his monkey-kingdom with fire in his eyes, trash-can lids ‘a bangin’, and became the troupe leader, instantly. The former alpha, a much larger male, was confused by all the weird cling-clanging (read: bullshit promises of strength) that he was hearing and essentially just shit his monkey-pants, succumbing to the mysterious power of maniacal bangy noises. This basically sums up Politics. Stop listening to the tiny chimp pretending to be the alpha. He’s not qualified. You’re just too dumb to see it. BookCover1

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