How to Live Your Life: A satirical Self-Help book. Exerpts!

Chapter 4

How to Impress Everyone

Part One: Be a Boss.

I think in life, it’s important to yell out “son of a bitch” as often as possible. It just makes you look like you’re the boss of something, even if it’s only your cat who just pissed on the dvd player.

Also, carrying a briefcase whenever possible is a surefire way to exude “boss-ness”.

I like to study cultural material, like clip-art, to get inside the minds of the masses. In several of these clip-art depictions of office life, the “boss” is pointing at something. Often, he’s wearing a stylish sweater or business suit. Sometimes he has a coffee mug in his hand. Bosses drink a lot of coffee.

Next time someone asks you what you do for a living, just say, “I’m a boss.” Then just point to the briefcase. Make a fake phone call and yell at someone named Janet then hurry off like you’ve got important papers to shuffle through. No explanation needed.

I’ve found that often, explanations and specifics just ruin things. For instance, saying, “I’m the boss of the mice who have attempted to infiltrate my apartment” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Even if you DID catch two mice with your bare hands. They’re still just mice. Why all the mouse talk, you ask? Simple. It’s because they’re always watching. Now, back to briefcases.

It’s a good idea to keep a lot of cash on you at all times, because you never know when you’re gonna need it. Also, it really impresses people when you pop open a sweet briefcase full of money and shove it in their faces. It doesn’t even matter if they’re all one dollar bills, either. Still impressive. Everyone likes money. Especially bums. So don’t go flashing that briefcase around homeless Dan. He’ll bite you and then take your stuff to his weird homeless den…which is essentially a “home”, just a shitty one. But calling people homeless makes you feel richer by comparison.

Another trick for impressing folks is using the term “genuine” to describe something you own, as in, “This briefcase is genuine leather”. The word “genuine” connotes class and expensive stuff that rich people have, like those tools you use to crack open Lobster shells. Try using it in a sentence. “This shirt is made of genuine rayon, people, hands off.” Trust me. Humans really respond to subtle language manipulation. For instance, “I’m disease free” sounds a lot better than “I no longer have chlamydia”, now doesn’t it? Look at you, you’re learning.

Part Two: What to do with Babies

Babies. People seem to like them. They’re always bragging about them and making a big deal out of the dumb stuff that they do like walking or smiling from gas. So what does that mean to you? I’ve found that the best course of action is to just pretend to adore every baby you meet, even if it looks like something you saw on those Garbage Pail Kids cards that your grandma took away from you because you were having nightmares.

A very important rule to remember when hanging out with diaper-donners is that you must Never, Ever, Shake A Baby. Apparently they don’t like it. Or they die. I don’t remember which one, but there are signs in the Spanish-language clinics that talk about it, so maybe Mexican babies really hate it or something. Just don’t do it. If you feel the urge to shake a baby coming on, count to ten, and remember that the baby, even though it’s probably being an asshole, is too stupid to know any better. It likes the tele-tubbies, for Christ’s sake. What ARE those things??

Once you’ve seen enough of them, you realize that babies are alright. You can even have fun with them sometimes. But don’t pick up a stranger’s baby and pretend to kidnap it as a joke. It doesn’t go over well, even if you ARE a doctor. Nine times out of ten, the baby usually just starts crying which is a total buzzkill.

Ways to use babies to your benefit:

Pretend to coo at them in the grocery store. Babies don’t know you’re lying and it makes you look like a good person.

Use a fake baby as an excuse to get out of doing tedious things at work. “Well, I would work Saturday, but I’ve got my sister’s new baby’s Christening.” Boom.

Invite all your friends with kids over to your super clean house and watch them covet your awesome remote controlled fire life. Instant ego boost.

Tell them jokes on the subway. They always stare and laugh, which feels awesome when you’re having a “Mehh” day.

Teach them to call you “Doctor” and never explain it to their parents.

Insult them as practice for when you need to insult your friends. “You had cradle cap, you fucking loser,” and stuff like that. It feels pretty great when they just sit there speechless.

Compare body parts with them. It makes you feel like a giant. Or a Basketball player.

Give them those tiny airplane sized bottles of liquor to hold and then point and laugh and say things like, “Already just like his poppa!” It’s a real hoot at parties.

Put them inside a hollowed out cabbage and pretend like you found them there. Keep it going until your friends get really uncomfortabl

Use their social security numbers to apply for brand spankin’ new lines of credit. What they don’t know can’t hurt them.


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