Romance Novels: A Study in Stupidity.

Hi kids!  I was going through some of my old blog posts from Blogger and found this little piece.  Enjoy.

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While at the grocery store checkout the other day, I saw something that inspired me. Displayed among the gossip magazines was a book entitled “The Tuscan Tycoon’s Pregnant Housekeeper”  OF COURSE it was a romance novel.  Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on there? There is a staggeringly enormous market for this sort of book- a reality that not only amuses me to no end, but also makes me fear for the future of humanity.

When your story revolves around a “werewolf cop”, do you take yourself seriously as a writer?

Let’s look at a few popular titles, shall we?

I shit you not, these are actual titles of books generating actual revenue.

Flirtini with disaster”. That’s right. “Flirtini”, as in the popular cocktail, not the verb. What a clever little play on words. Yet not. . . not at all.

Things that go bump in the night” Come on, seriously? If I saw someone reading that on a plane, I might just have to piss my pants.

Samantha and the Detective” Hmmm. . . I wonder what that one’s about? Let’s see . . .

“”Detective Hayden Tanner hates reporters, especially when they interfere with a police investigation. So why is he so drawn to saucy reporter Samantha Halliwell when she does nothing but interfere with his current investigation of a college student`s murder? And why does Samantha continue to provoke him when he’s already made good on his promise and put her over his knee her for getting in his way? Perhaps because despite her dislike for authority figures, she finds the handsome detective’s willingness to take her in hand surprisingly sexy.

But despite his repeated warnings and overthe knee spankings, Samantha continues to investigate the murder heedless of the danger, putting not only her future with Hayden in jeopardy but her very life as the killer closes in on her.”

Over the knee spankings”. Awesome.

“Kilt Worthy”.

Peering at the world from behind her camera lens, “Plain Jane” Parker is stunned to see a handsome hunk wearing a kilt as he confidently strolls down a busy Seattle street. Her dormant libido roars to life even before their eyes meet. Aroused and intrigued, she tosses aside her usual caution and follows when Logan MacLaren beckons for a delightfully sinful one-night stand.

Logan is an exceptionally talented lover, wielding the abundant sword he sports beneath his plaid to deliver unparalleled pleasures. He reminds her to trust her instincts after reality proves they’re a more perfect fit than either imagined.

Then Logan drops his bombshell: He’s traveled through time to find her and wants her to stay with him forever…in medieval Scotland. Did Jane just have the most erotic sex of her life with a delusional crazy man, or is it truly possible for her one-night stand to last forever?”

Ahhh yes. . . the old one night stand with the man from ancient Scotland. Because that happens all the time. Wield that abundant sword, Logan. I’m sure many a lonely Jane’s libido has “roared to life” whilst reading the steamy pages of this little delight.

A White Cougar Christmas” Don’t be fooled. This book isn’t about an older divorcee looking for some action, it’s about an actual cougar-woman. I found it in the “shapeshifter” category. Yes. There is an entire category. I think I just came.

There is also an entire category devoted to “Interracial” romance, where I found this little gem:

Oh How the Mighty are Ballin’” Yes. Yes. Yes.

I think it’s high time I got on the ball- huh? As an experiment, I want to try this. Give me any scenario, any characters, and I will write a short romantic novella around your specifications. You name it, I’ll do it. Hilarity will naturally ensue.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Monty Hamilton says:

    Here are my specifications: A modern day retelling of Rumpelstiltskin set in the Australian outback, where Rumpelstiltskin is a magical talking Dingo who helps women land the men of their dreams in exchange for their first born children, which he must eat in order to maintain his magical talking powers. But when he makes the mistake of matching up a woman with an inhospitable womb with a man suffering from Azoospermia (the lack of any measurable sperm in his semen), the clock is ticking as he must help them find a way to overcome their deficiencies to become pregnant and have a baby for him to consume before he loses his powers forever.

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