“Rescue Human” a comedic sketch

“RESCUE HUMAN”

Anne Marie Jackson

EXT. A CITY STREET, DAY.

Trevor walks down the street and sees his friend Jeremy, who is leading a homeless man on a harness and leash. The stop to chat.

Trevor eyes the homeless man awkwardly.

TREVOR
Um, Hey man, what’s…um, what are
you doing?
Jeremy acts casually, disregarding the obvious ridiculousness
of the situation.

JEREMY
Just out and about, you know,
enjoying this incredible weather!
What’s new with you?

Trevor glances nervously over at the homeless man.

TREVOR
I- Um-I finally got that promotion.
Oh! We’re having a Tiki party this
Saturday- you should come. It’s
gonna get . . . pretty wild—

Trevor stops speaking and watches in awe as the homeless man
turns, unzips, and proceeds to urinate on the side of the
street.

TREVOR
Uh..what the hell is your um-friend
doing?

JEREMY
Oh, you mean Roscoe? Chill out,
dude, he’s just taking a piss.

TREVOR
Okay? That’s- I mean, can I ask
about the leash? Is this some sort
of thing you’re into now? Where’s
Carol?

JEREMY
Relax. He’s a Rescue-Human.
(Smug)You should look into it.

TREVOR
Wait- what??

JEREMY
You know, you pick them up at the
shelter and give them a home.

TREVOR
Oh- uh…okay? I thought that was a
dog thing.
An attractive woman walks by wearing a short skirt. Roscoe runs up to her, but Jeremy engages the leash, snapping Roscoe back violently. Jeremy remains un-phased, but scolds Roscoe.

JEREMY
Roscoe, buddy, we discussed this.
That’s called “harassment.”

Trevor looks on in disbelief.

TREVOR
So this guy lives with you??

JEREMY
Hey! Judgement? From you? I thought
you were more evolved than that.
Yes, he lives with me. He sleeps at
the foot of my bed and everything.
What’s your deal?

TREVOR
I don’t know, I’ve just never seen
anything like this before.

Jeremy, smug, smiles and pats Roscoe on the head.

JEREMY
Roscoe’s been a real positive force
in my life, it’s pretty fantastic.

Roscoe, getting antsy, circles Trevor suspiciously,sniffing
and poking at him with a finger.

Roscoe lifts Trevor’s wallet.

Trevor slaps at his back pocket, reacting.

TREVOR
(re:wallet) Hey! Give me that!!

Trevor goes to snatch for his wallet but Roscoe guards it,
biting Trevor’s hand.

TREVOR
Ow!! What the hell, man?!

Jeremy scolds Roscoe and snaps the leash.

JEREMY
Baaaaaaad Roscoe! Give Trevor his
wallet back! You have three of
those at home! (To Trevor) We’re
still working out the kinks. He’s
got a bit of a “petty theft”
problem.

Meanwhile, Roscoe rifles through Trevor’s wallet.
Disappointed, he hands it back to Trevor begrudgingly.

Trevor inspects the wallet.

TREVOR
Jesus. There’s some kind of weird
grease all over it now. This is
genuine shark skin–it was a gift!

JEREMY
I’m sorry, but you know, imagine
what Roscoe has gone through. He
used to have to kill other bums for
money to eat.

TREVOR
What?!!

JEREMY
It’s a rough world out there. We’re
just lucky we found each-other,
right, boy?

Jeremy turns to Roscoe, who is transfixed on a photo he
holds. He licks his lips pervertedly.

TREVOR
(re:photo) Ugh! That’s my grandma,
you old perv!

Trevor goes to retrieve the photo, which results in Roscoe
violently humping him.

Roscoe knocks Trevor to the ground and continues to hump.

Trevor struggles, screaming, as Jeremy looks on, unshaken.

TREVOR
Get him off of me! Jesus Christ!!
NO!!! Don’t touch that! Oh my god,
you smell like old meat. Stop!!
Jeremy, god damn it,do something!!

JEREMY
I would, but he gets really
aggressive, you know,
biting,clawing–his mouth is pretty
gross, man–you’ll get an
infection. It’s best if you just
let him finish.

Trevor fights off Roscoe, staggering to pull himself up.

TREVOR
You’re both insane! Stay away from
me! And consider yourself UNINVITED
to the Tiki Party,man!! I’m out of
here!

Trevor smooths his clothes and storms off.

Jeremy looks at Roscoe, stern.

Roscoe displays Trevor’s wallet as an offering.

Jeremy smirks and pats Roscoe’s head.

JEREMY
Oh, Roscoe, you old Rascal!!!

Blackout.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s