“Officer Fartface” a comedic sketch

EXT, MONTAGE OF VARIOUS “I’M SERIOUS” COP POSES

One pose of Shooter and Dean in sharp suits

ONe action shot of them jumping with guns.

Another of the partners simultaneously turning to smolder at
the camera.
Graphic: NYC HEAT

VOICE OVER
IN law enforcement, there are three
rules: Uphold the law, defend your
public, and NEVER lose your cool.

INT, A CLASSIC INVESTIGATION ROOM, DAY

Shooter and Dean interrogate a suspect.

DEAN
NOw you’re gonna talk, or it’s not
gonna be a pretty scene, my friend.

SUSPECT
I don’t know what you’re talking
about.

SHOOTER
Listen, kid- Either tell us where
Domingo is, or maybe I’ll just have
to turn up the heat.

“serious time” sound effect.

SUSPECT
Yeah, whatever, you’re a fartface.

SHOOTER
What did you just say to me??

SUSPECT
You heard me– I said–

Shooter grabs the suspect by the collar.

SUSPECT
You’re just a fart-knocker!

The suspect laughs in Shooter’s face.

Shooter begins to lose his composure further.

SHOOTER
I— will. . . push. . . you— I
will push you in a sandbox!!!

Suspect and Dean look at Shooter, confused.

DEAN
What my partner is trying to say,
(exchanging a look with Shooter) is
that you better show some
god-damned respect!

SHOOTER
Yeah. NOw- where the HELL is
Domingo??

SUSPECT
I don’t know who that is, ya
Pooter. Pooter Shooter!

The suspect laughs.

Shooter becomes very angry. He trembles, gritting his teeth.

SHOOTER
I will fill your bed-sheets with
crackers!!! So you’ll get really
itchy! And—the mice will come!

Dean looks at Shooter signaling a “Time out”. They step aside
to speak privately.

DEAN
Yo, what’s going on with you? “The
mice will come”? Where’s your edge?
Do I need to be bad cop?

SHOOTER
No. No, I’m always bad cop. I’m —
I don’t know what happened there,
he called me a fart-knocker. I just
lost control.

Dean gives Shooter a dubious look.

DEAN
Just stay cool- he’s a punk kid.
Let’s get him talking.

They turn back to face the subject, who jeers Shooter, miming
a guy violently farting.

SUSPECT
Fart knocker! Fart knocker! You
shart your pants!

SHOOTER
I do NOT shart my pants! I do not!!
I have never done that! I have a
high fiber diet!

SUSPECT
You eat cat turds!

SHOOTER
(Screaming)No! No I don’t! I will
break–bread–on your sister’s
butt!!!!
Shooter’s face becomes red and he is short of breath. It looks like he is about to have a heart attack.

DEAN
Shooter! What the hell is happening
to you? Sit down!

Shooter sits to catch his breath.

Another officer enters.

OFFICER
Guys- we’ve got a mix up here,
you’ve got the wrong guy. This kid
got picked up for doing whip-its at
the bodega down the street. Send
him on down to Ju-vee. And calm
down, will ya?

SHOOTER
What the— Why you little
bean-headed…tallywacker…ahhh
just get the hell outta here!

The suspect is led away by the Officer.

DEAN VOICE OVER
Sometimes this job can drive a
strong man wild. But that’s why
we’re a team. Another perp down,
and justice was ours.

TEXT GRAPHIC: NYC HEAT

VOICEOVER
Next time, on NYC HEAt: A sexy
stranger shakes things up for the
team- but somebody’s got a secret.

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