SPEC- It’s Always Sunny: The Rise and Fall of Dennis Reynolds

                                     COLD OPEN
               Title: 9:30 PM
               Title: On a Wednesday
               Title: Philadelphia, PA
                                                                FADE IN:
               INT, PADDY’S PUB, NIGHT 1
               Dennis is working behind the bar, pouring drinks and talking
               to Mac, who sits across the bar. Dee sits behind the bar
               reading a newspaper.
                                   DENNIS
                      Where’s Charlie?
                                   MAC
                      Who knows, man- he’s probably off
                      stalking that waitress chick. Wait-
                      what time is it? Nine thirty- yeah-
                      that’s exactly where he is.
               DENNIS SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF
                                   DENNIS
                      Has he- I mean really- has he ever
                      been laid? What is with the undying
                      devotion? Even Dee is better looking
                      than that girl.
               QUICK CUT TO DEE, WHO ROLLS HER EYES
                                   MAC
                      That. . . Is an interesting question.
                      He could very possibly be a virgin.
                                   DENNIS
                      Dear god.
                                   MAC
                      You don’t think-
                                   DENNIS
                      It would explain a lot. Look at him.
                      There is no sexuality there. None.
                      He’s got the sexuality of an eight
                      year-old boy.
                                   MAC
                      Dude- why are you bringing eight-year
                      old boys into this? Gross.
                                   DENNIS
                      No, see- that’s my point.  Charlie
                      thinks like an eight year old.  Look
                      at the way he is fixated on one- not
                      particularly attractive female- if he
                      had a normal sex drive, he’d have
                      banged her by now. Guys like Charlie-
                      with normal sex drives- well, they’re
                      rapists, Mac.  Charlie’s gotta be a
                      virgin.
               MAC TAKES THIS IN
               FROM ACROSS THE BAR, A MAN CATCHES DENNIS’ ATTENTION.
                                   DENNIS (CONT’D)
                      What’s up?
                                   MAN
                      I’m sorry, but I just have to tell
                      you, you are a very handsome man. Have
                      you ever done any acting?
               DENNIS IS CLEARLY PLEASED BY THIS. FLATTERED, HE SMILES,
               DRINKING IN THE COMPLIMENT.
                                   DENNIS
                      Well, not officially- but I have done
                      some modeling, you know- here and
                      there.
               MAC SCOFFS, DENNIS GIVES HIM A WARNING LOOK.
                                   MAN
                      I can see that. Here, take my card.
                      I’m an agent.
               THE MAN HOLDS OUT HIS BUSINESS CARD, WHICH DENNIS TAKES.
                                   DENNIS
                      No shit? Cool man, thanks.
               DEE, OBVIOUSLY INTERESTED, HURRIES OVER AND TRIES TO INCLUDE
               HERSELF IN THE CONVERSATION.
                                   DEE
                      Hi. Hello. I’m- we’re brother and
                      sister. I’m an actress. My name’s Dee-
                      well, it’s Deeandra, but people call
                      me Dee. Sweet Dee. Kinda like Sweet
                      Tea- but not T-
               DENNIS PUTS A HAND UP, ATTEMPTING TO SILENCE HER.
                                   DENNIS
                      Um, Dee, I’m pretty sure the man
                      doesn’t need to hear about your
                      pathetic youtube videos. You’ll have
                      to excuse her. You mention show
                      business and this one- well, she’s
                      special.
               DENNIS PUSHES DEE OUT OF THE WAY, TRYING TO CLAIM THE AGENT’S
               ATTENTION FOR HIMSELF.
                                   AGENT
                      Right. Well. I have to be going. Keep
                      that card. I think you’ve got a real
                      bright future.
               THE MAN GETS UP AND EXITS. DENNIS STARES AFTER HIM, HOLDING
               THE CARD. DENNIS TURNS TO DEE, SMILING, AS SHE GLARES AT HIM
               JEALOUSLY.
                                   DENNIS
                      You hear that Dee? I’m gonna be an
                      actor.
                                   DEE
                      This is bullshit.
               END OF COLD OPEN
                                     Main titles
                       Title: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
                    Title: “The Rise and Fall of Dennis Reynolds”
                                       ACT ONE
               INT. PADDY’S PUB, DAY 2
                (DENNIS, DEE, MAC)
               DENNIS ENTERS EXCITEDLY, JOINING MAC AND DEE, WHO STAND
               BEHIND THE BAR.
                                   DENNIS
                      (Re: envelope) This right here is the
                      beginning. I just got head shots- I
                      gotta get this thing rolling. Check
                      these out.
               DENNIS DISPLAYS A HEAD SHOT OF HIMSELF IN A SMUG POSE. THE
               PHOTOS HAVE CLEARLY BEEN VERY FLATTERINGLY PHOTO-SHOPPED.
                                   DEE
                      Are you serious? It’s like they shaved
                      off half of your nose.
                                   DENNIS
                      This bitterness is really
                      unflattering, Dee. Stop projecting
                      your failure and get me a beer.
                                   MAC
                      You know dude, I’ve always wondered
                      what it would be like to be in an
                      action film- blowing stuff up, all
                      sweaty and shit- do you think I could
                      be an actor? Like- seriously.
               DENNIS CONSIDERS THIS A MOMENT
                                   DENNIS
                      Well, maybe. But I don’t know. See-
                      I’ve been blessed with a naturally
                      chiseled face- it’s all about bone
                      structure.
                                   MAC
                      I’ve got good bone structure.
                                   DENNIS
                      Yeah, but see, the camera distorts
                      your image- in real life, yeah, you’re
                      great looking, but with those cheeks-
                      the camera would make you look like
                      Frank.
               MAC GRIMACES.
               DENNIS SLAPS MAC ON THE BACK REASSURINGLY.
                                   MAC
                      So, I’ve been thinking about this
                      whole Charlie thing. Do you think he’s
                      really a virgin? How pathetic would
                      that be?
                                   DENNIS
                      I am about 90% positive he’s never
                      even seen a vagina. Should we step in?
                      I mean, seriously, his life is a
                      disaster.
                                   MAC
                      Dude, do you know how many times I
                      have tried to get him laid? That, my
                      friend, is a lost cause.
                                   DENNIS
                      No way.  I could hook it up, no
                      problem.
                                   MAC
                      The guy has been lingering in alleys
                      for years- stalking a girl. Let alone
                      the fact that he smells like diapers
                      and gun powder. 
                                   DENNIS
                      Nah.  A little shave and a haircut-
                      along with some valuable lessons in
                      class- there’s nothing do it. 
                                   MAC
                      I’m telling you, Charlie will find a
                      way to sabotage any efforts you make.
                                   DENNIS
                      Care to make it interesting?
                                   MAC
                      What, you want to bet on it? On
                      Charlie?
                                   DENNIS
                      Fifty bucks says I can get Charlie a
                      date with the waitress.
                      And if she sleeps with him-(he thinks
                      for a while) you have to give me the
                      duster.
                                   MAC
                      Dude- you’re straight up crazy. That
                      will NEVER happen.
                                   DENNIS
                      So, do we have a bet?
                                   MAC
                      Sure, but you just lost fifty dollars.
                      You go ahead and try your little
                      Cinderella thing, but mark my words-
                      Charlie is impervious to make-overs.
                                   DENNIS
                      We’ll see about that.
               INT. PADDY’S PUB, D2-LATER
               DENNIS, MAC AND DEE ALL HANG OUT BEHIND THE BAR.
               CHARLIE ENTERS, AND DENNIS GETS UP TO GREET HIM- HIS
               INTENTIONS OBVIOUS.
                                   DENNIS
                      Hey Buddy. How’s it goin’?
               DENNIS WRAPS AN ARM AROUND CHARLIE AND MAC ROLLS HIS EYES,
               BUT CHARLIE DOESN’T TAKE NOTICE OF THE OBVIOUS MANIPULATION. 
               DENNIS CORNERS CHARLIE OFF, LEADING HIM TO A PLACE WHERE THEY
               CAN TALK PRIVATELY.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Uh, I’m okay dude- what’s up?
                                   DENNIS
                      You’re looking good.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I am? Thanks, man- I-
               DENNIS CUTS HIM OFF
                                   DENNIS
                      So how’re things going with the
                      waitress?
               CHARLIE PAUSES, EMBARRASSED
                                   CHARLIE
                      What? What are you talking about? I
                      was with Frank.
                                   DENNIS
                      Right. Let’s skip the bullshit,
                      Charlie- What would you say if I told
                      you that I could turn your life
                      around?
                                   CHARLIE
                      Dude- what are talking about? I- this
                      better not be an intervention- I
                      haven’t done anything illegal, man-
                      not technically-
               DENNIS PUTS A HAND UP, REASSURING HIM.
                                   DENNIS
                      What would you say if I told you I
                      could get you a date with the waitress
                      nay- any woman of your choosing?
               CHARLIE IS CONFUSED, BUT SUDDENLY VERY INTERESTED IN WHAT
               DENNIS HAS TO SAY.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Well I’d say that would be stupendous.
                                   DENNIS
                      Good. Now- if I’m going to do this-
                      and trust me- I know what I’m doing
                      seriously- look at me- If I’m going to
                      share my secrets, I need something
                      from you.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Uh-Okay…
               CHARLIE IS DUBIOUS
                                   DENNIS
                      I just need your trust, Charlie. Do as
                      I say- and I will transform your life.
                                   CHARLIE
                      This is all sounding pretty great, man-
                      but like- you’re not gonna hypnotize
                      me or use some kind of voodoo, right?
                      I don’t wanna shit my pants or
                      anything.
                                   DENNIS
                      Voodoo? Charlie- no one wants you to
                      shit your pants, least of all me. I
                      want to clean up your image.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Oh. Okay. Cool.
                                   DENNIS
                      (conspiring, lowering his voice to a
                      whisper) Okay- I’ll meet you at your
                      place later tonight- we don’t need Mac
                      finding out about this- got it?
               CHARLIE LOOKS AT MAC KNOWINGLY AND NODS IN AGREEMENT.
               JUST THEN, FROM OUTSIDE, THERE COMES THE SOUND OF A HORN
               BLARING “LA CUCARACHA”. A FEW MOMENTS LATER, FRANK BURSTS
               INTO THE BAR.
                                   FRANK
                      Papa’s got a brand new bag!
               FRANK, WEARING A 70’S LEISURE SUIT, DOES A LITTLE SPIN,
               SHOWING OFF HIS NEW GARB, WHILE HE JANGLES THE KEYS TO HIS
               NEW CAR.
                                   DENNIS
                      What on earth are you wearing?
               MAC, CHARLIE AND  DEE GATHER AROUND.
                                   MAC
                      Is that velvet?
               FRANK NODS, SMUG.
                                   FRANK
                      You gotta see this- come out here and
                      check out my new ride.
               EXT, OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB, D2- A FEW MOMENTS LATER
               THE GANG AND FRANK GATHER AROUND FRANK’S NEW CAR, A 1978
               CHEVY EL CAMINO, A MEXICAN FLAG PAINTED ON ITS BODY.
                                   DENNIS
                      Jesus Christ, Frank,.
                                   FRANK
                      Ain’t she a beauty?
                                   DEE
                      That is officially the ugliest car I
                      have ever seen.
                                   FRANK
                      This here is a bang-machine!
               DENNIS AND DEE EXCHANGE DISGUSTED GLANCES.
                                   MAC
                      What’s up with the Mexican flag
                      painted on it?
                                   FRANK
                      Why not? The Latinas love it.
               FRANK DOES A SUGGESTIVE LITTLE HIP THRUST.
                                   DEE
                      Thank god we’re not related by blood.
                                   FRANK
                      C’mon Charlie- let’s go get some tacos
                      my treat!
               CHARLIE GRINS WIDELY, EXCITED, AND JUMPS INTO THE PASSENGER
               SEAT.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Awesome. Man, this thing is great.
               CHARLIE CATCHES DENNIS’S ATTENTION AND ATTEMPTS,
               UNSUCCESSFULLY, TO BE VAGUE
                                   CHARLIE (CONT’D)
                      See you tonight, about the. . . You
                      know.
               ANGLE ON MAC, WHO GIVES DENNIS A LOOK AS IF TO SAY, “GOOD
               LUCK,IDIOT” AS CHARLIE AND FRANK DRIVE AWAY.
               INT. PADDY’S PUB, D2-LATER
                (MAC, DENNIS, DEE)
               DEE, MAC AND DENNIS HANG AROUND THE BAR TALKING.
                                   MAC
                      I still think I’d make a pretty good
                      villain, man- you should drop my name
                      to that agent. Remember project
                      badass? You guys loved those tapes.
                                   DENNIS
                      No can do, brother- this is serious
                      business. I can’t start asking favors
                      straight off- I’ve got to work on MY
                      brand. It’s all about self-promotion.
                      Besides, dude- if we’re being honest
                      with ourselves, project badasss was a
                      blatant rip off if Jackass. It was
                      cool and all- but you’re not going to
                      impress anyone important with that.
                      Trust me.
               MAC SEEMS HURT.
                                   DEE
                      You really are a selfish bastard. You
                      couldn’t just slip this guy my head
                      shots?
                                   DENNIS
                      Did you hear anything I just said?
                      Jesus. I don’t want to be the asshole
                      here, but you two are seriously acting
                      like a couple of groupies. I’m not
                      even famous yet and already you’re
                      suckling at the teet of my success.
                          (Dee and mac exchange an
                           annoyed glance.)
                      Now- if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to
                      go win a bet.
               DENNIS EXITS.
                                   DEE
                      This can’t happen, Mac- we’ve got to
                      do something.
                                   MAC
                      Project Badass was genius! You thought
                      so, right?
                                   DEE
                      (manipulative) Of course. What an
                      asshole.
                                   MAC
                      He’s really letting this whole thing
                      go to his head. It’s disgusting.
                                   DEE
                      You think he’s disgusting now, just
                      wait until he gets a role- this is
                      going to blow up in our faces, Mac.
                      It’s dangerous. We’ve got to nip this
                      thing in the bud. (beat) And I think I
                      have a plan.
                                   MAC
                      Yeah?
                                   DEE
                      Remember in Junior High, when like,
                      all my hair fell out?
                                   MAC
                      Yeah, we all thought you had cancer or
                      something.
                                   DEE
                      Yeah, no- some bitch spiked my shampoo
                      with Nair- you know, that hair removal
                      stuff?
                                   MAC
                      Oh my god, that’s brilliant! Dennis
                      loves his hair.
                                   DEE
                      Without his precious hair, those
                      features won’t look so chiseled. His
                      hair is his strength. We’ve got to
                      take his power away, Mac- before it’s
                      too late.
               MAC AND DEE SHARE A MEANINGFUL LOOK.

                                   END OF ACT ONE
                                       ACT TWO
               INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT, D2- LATER THAT DAY
                (CHARLIE, DENNIS)
               CHARLIE SITS ON THE COUCH, STARING INTO NOTHINGNESS. THERE IS
               A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. CHARLIE OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL DENNIS,
               WHO HAS BROUGHT A BAG OF SUPPLIES AND A CASE OF BEER WITH
               HIM.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Hey buddy. Are we ready to f this
                      thing in the a?
               DENNIS ENTERS.
                                   DENNIS
                      Step one: stop saying shit like that.
                      Step two: god, we’ve got so many steps
                      I don’t even know where to begin-here-
                      sit down- have a beer.
               DENNIS MOTIONS CHARLIE OVER TO THE COUCH, WHERE THEY SIT, AND
               CRACK OPEN A FEW BEERS.
               DENNIS SURVEYS THE APARTMENT IN DISGUST, THEN TURNS TO
               CHARLIE, LOOKING HIM UP AND DOWN. CHARLIE, WEARING HIS USUAL
               IN-HOUSE UNIFORM OF LONGJOHNS, A T-SHIRT AND DIRTY SOCKS,
               ENDURES THE SCRUTINY LIKE A DOG BEING PUNISHED.
                                   DENNIS (CONT’D)
                      Okay. I’m going to go ahead and ignore
                      the filth around me and cut to the
                      core of this- because chances are- no
                      woman, regardless of her level of self
                      respect would ever come here(beat)
                      there are like, forty dead mice in
                      here- but- okay- when was the last
                      time you shaved?
                                   CHARLIE
                      Um, no, I don’t shave, dude.
                                   DENNIS
                      Well, you must shave at some point.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Nope, never done it. I never shave.
                                   DENNIS
                      That’s bullshit, Charlie- if you never
                      shaved, you’d look like Moses by now-
                      you have to have shaved at some point
                      in time.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Nah, I just singe off the ends with a
                      lighter when they get too long.
               DENNIS LOOKS AT CHARLIE STRANGELY.
                                   DENNIS
                      What?? You singe off your hair? What
                      is wrong with you, Charlie? Why
                      wouldn’t you just shave it?  You are
                      seriously. . . More and more like a
                      homeless person every day.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I don’t know man, I just- I never had
                      a dad around to teach me, and you know
                      I like fire- it just works for me, you
                      know?
                                   DENNIS
                      Dude, no, it doesn’t. Remember what I
                      said earlier about the trust thing?
                      Don’t resist me on this Charlie, just
                      shave.  Ladies like a clean shave. I
                      know that waitress does. I even
                      brought you a new razor. It’s easy.
               DENNIS HANDS CHARLIE A SHAVING KIT.
               CHARLIE LOOKS DUBIOUS.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I don’t know, man, I’m just not really
                      comfortable putting a blade this close
                      to my face.
                                   DENNIS
                      Yet you’re willing to risk third
                      degree burns? Just do it, idiot. Now
                      stand up and turn around. I need your
                      measurements.
               THEY STAND AS DENNIS TAKES OUT A MEASURING TAPE AND GOES
               ABOUT MEASURING CHARLIE.
               INT. MAC AND DENNIS’S APARTMENT, D-2 AROUND THE SAME TIME
                (MAC, DEE)
               DEE AND MAC ENTER THE APARTMENT CAUTIOUSLY, LOOKING AROUND TO
               MAKE SURE THAT DENNIS IS STILL GONE.
                                   MAC
                      Yeah- he’s still out- it’s all clear.
               THEY MOVE INTO THE BATHROOM, WHERE DEE PRODUCES A LARGE
               BOTTLE OF NAIR FROM A PAPER BAG.
                                   DEE
                      Grab his shampoo- and empty like half
                      of it out.
               MAC POURS DENNIS’S SHAMPOO DOWN THE SINK DRAIN.
                                   MAC
                      Okay. Go ahead.
               MAC HOLDS THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE WHILE DEE POURS THE ENTIRE
               CONTENTS OF THE HAIR REMOVER INTO THE SHAMPOO.
               DEE AND MAC LAUGH MENACINGLY.
               INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-3 AROUND LUNCH TIME
                (DENNIS, DEE, CHARLIE, MAC)
               MAC, DEE AND CHARLIE ALL HANG OUT AROUND THE BAR. DENNIS
               ENTERS, TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE.
                                   DENNIS
                      You got it. Great.
                          (Dennis hangs up the phone
                           and struts over to the bar.)
                      Guess who just got an audition?
               DEE IS CLEARLY UPSET BY THIS.
                                   DEE
                      What?? How is that even possible?
                                   DENNIS
                      This Saturday, I will be auditioning
                      for the role of “Tyler”- the lead in
                      an independent thriller co-starring
                      none other than Vin Diesel.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Dude! That’s so awesome!
                                   MAC
                      So- just like that? A lead?
                                   DENNIS
                      I know, right? I couldn’t believe it
                      myself- I’ve already got like 1200
                      followers on Twitter. This is
                      happening!
                                   DEE
                      This is insane.
                                   DENNIS
                      I’ve gotta go run these lines- I just
                      thought I’d let you guys know. Oh-and
                      Charlie- I’ll meet you at your place
                      around eight.
                          (Dennis turns to address
                           mac.)
                      This isn’t over.
               DENNIS EXITS.
                                   CHARLIE
                      What was that all about? What’s not
                      over?
                                   MAC
                      Nothing man- hey- Dee- come see
                      something in the bathroom for a
                      second.
               CHARLIE LOOKS AT THEM STRANGELY AS DEE AND MAC EXIT.
               INT. PADDY’S PUB BATHROOM, D-3, MOMENTS LATER
                (MAC, DEE)
               MAC AND DEE CONSPIRE
                                   MAC
                      Did you see his hair?
                                   DEE
                      Yep. Full as ever. Stupid bastard.
                      You’ve got to get him to use more, Mac-
                      we need him hairless by Saturday. I
                      want those producers to laugh in his
                      disgusting bald face.
                                   MAC
                      I think I have an idea.
               INT.CHARLIE’S APARTMENT, D-3, LATER THAT EVENING
                (DENNIS, CHARLIE)
               CHARLIE HEARS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO REVEAL
               DENNIS, WHO ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE BAG OF SUPPLIES.
                                   DENNIS
                      All I told you to do was shave,
                      Charlie-
                                   CHARLIE
                      I couldn’t- I just- dude I was – It
                      just didn’t happen, okay?
                                   DENNIS
                      Whatever, we’ve got serious work to
                      do.
               MAKEOVER MONTAGE
               1. DENNIS SHAVES CHARLIE, AS CHARLIE CLOSES HIS EYES,
               PETRIFIED, GRIPPING THE SIDES OF THE CHAIR.
               2. DENNIS CUTS CHARLIE’S HAIR, AS CHARLIE KEEPS SCRATCHING
               HIMSELF.
               3. DENNIS STANDS NEXT TO AN INSTRUCTIONAL POSTER HE’S MADE,
               POINTING OUT KEY DATING TIPS WRITTEN IN VERY SIMPLE ENGLISH.
               4. CHARLIE MODELS HIS NEW LOOK, COMPLETE WITH NEW CLOTHES- A
               STYLISH ENSEMBLE DENNIS HAS PICKED OUT.
               END MONTAGE
                                   DENNIS (CONT’D)
                      Looking sharp, my man!
                                   CHARLIE
                      I don’t know dude- I’m not sure this
                      is ‘me”.
                                   DENNIS
                      That’s the point, Charlie. “YOU” live
                      in a rat infested shit-hole and eat
                      out of the garbage. We’re trying to
                      leave that Charlie behind. This is the
                      New Charlie.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Alright, alright, I get your point. I
                      still feel like something’s missing
                      though. Like maybe- maybe I should be
                      rocking a jean jacket.
                                   DENNIS
                      What? Goddamnit, no- you look great-
                      now- remember we’re executing
                      Operation Waitress Swoon tomorrow
                      afternoon around three- you think you
                      can handle it?
               CHARLIE SMILES WIDELY AND SLOWLY, RAISING A SINGLE EYEBROW.
               THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE AS DENNIS LOOKS AT HIM EXPECTANTLY.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Yeah, yeah- whatever.
               INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-3 LATER THAT NIGHT
                (DEE, DENNIS, MAC)
               DEE AND MAC ARE STANDING AROUND THE BAR AS DENNIS WALKS IN,
               SMUG.
                                   DEE
                      (bitter) I thought you were running
                      lines.
                                   DENNIS
                      I think  I’ve got it down- I just came
                      from Charlie’s- you might want to get
                      that Duster ready for me, Mac. I’m
                      thinking it might really work for my
                      character.
               MAC GLANCES QUICKLY AT DEE AND THEN BEGINS TO SCRATCH HIS
               HEAD OBVIOUSLY.
                                   MAC
                      The bet was that if Charlie slept with
                      the waitress you get the duster- and
                      I’m sorry man, but I just don’t see
                      that happening, like, ever. When’s all
                      this going down anyway?
                                   DENNIS
                      Tomorrow afternoon, before my
                      audition. I say you and I tail Charlie
                      on his way in to the coffee shop to
                      see how he does.
               MAC CONTINUES TO SCRATCH.
                                   MAC
                      Yeah, okay. You are going Dooown, bro.
                                   DENNIS
                      What’s with all the scratching? You
                      look like Charlie.
                                   MAC
                      Yeah, I don’t know, I feel like I
                      might have caught lice from him or
                      something, dude. Wait- weren’t you at
                      his apartment? You should really be
                      careful, man- Charlie’s filthy.
               DENNIS BEGINS TO PANIC INWARDLY.
                                   DENNIS
                      Oh god, this is bad.
                                                            DISSOLVE TO:
               INT, CHARLIE’S APARTMENT, EARLIER THAT DAY
                CHARLIE, DENNIS
               DENNIS STANDS OVER CHARLIE AS HE IS CUTTING HIS HAIR, AND
               PIECES OF CHARLIE’S HAIR FLY AROUND.
                                                                BACK TO:
               INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-3 A FEW MOMENTS LATER
                (DENNIS)
                                   DENNIS
                      I’ve gotta go-
               DENNIS EXITS HASTILY, MESSING WITH HIS HAIR.
               DEE LOOKS AT MAC PROUDLY AND THEY HIGH-FIVE.

                                   END OF ACT TWO
                                      ACT THREE
               INT. MAC AND DENNIS’S APARTMENT, D-4, MORNING
                DENNIS
               DENNIS STEPS OUT OF THE SHOWER LOOKING TROUBLED. HE RUNS HIS
               HANDS OVER HIS HEAD, SCRATCHING- PULLING OUT CLUMPS OF HIS
               OWN HAIR. HE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR FRANTICALLY, REALIZING THAT
               HIS HAIR HAS DRASTICALLY THINNED. HE BEGINS TO PANIC, LOOKING
               AROUND FOR SOMETHING.
               INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-4, LATER THAT DAY
                (DEE, MAC, DENNIS, CHARLIE)
               DEE AND MAC HANG AROUND THE BAR AS DENNIS ENTERS, WEARING AND
               AWKWARD- LOOKING HAT.
                                   DEE
                      (Re: hat) What the hell are you
                      wearing on your head?
               DENNIS PRETENDS TO IGNORE HER.
                                   MAC
                      That is not a good look for you.
                                   DENNIS
                      Shut up. This is a prop. I’m just
                      preparing for my audition- it’s called
                      method acting- something neither of
                      you would know anything about.
                                   DEE
                      Method acting, huh? What method are
                      you using? The gay leprechaun method?
                                   MAC
                      Seriously, where did you even find
                      that thing?
               DENNIS SCOFFS.
               CHARLIE ENTERS, DECKED OUT IN HIS NEW ATTIRE. MAC AND DEE
               TAKE NOTICE.
                                   MAC (CONT’D)
                      (re: Charlie) Now that is a good look.
                                   DEE
                      Wow, Charlie! What happened to you?
               CHARLIE DOES A LITTLE SPIN, SMILING. HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND
               FORMS A GUN WITH HIS THUMB AND FOREFINGER.
               ANGLE ON DENNIS, WHO GIVES MAC A SMUG LOOK AND PATS CHARLIE
               ON THE BACK.
                                   DENNIS
                      Meet my protege, the new and improved
                      Charlie Kelley.
                                   DEE
                      Charlie, you look amazing.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I know, right? At first I was like,
                      ehh, I don’t know. . . But it’s like
                      I’m a new man- people are treating me
                      differently- cops aren’t following me-
                      even the stray cats have backed off.
                      I. Feel. Incredible. (Re: Dennis) And
                      it’s all thanks to this man right
                      here. By the way, what’s up with your
                      hat, dude? That thing is ridiculous.
                                   DENNIS
                      I don’t want to hear it from you,
                      Charlie- I was so afraid that I caught
                      lice from your apartment, I washed my
                      hair like twelve times.
               DEE AND MAC EXCHANGE A LOOK
               CHARLIE DEFLECTS THE INSULT.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Yeah- I don’t know about lice, but
                      there are definitely fleas in there.
                      Sorry bro. (beat) So can we, um. . .
                      You know, about the-
               CHARLIE MOTIONS TO THE OFFICE.
               CHARLIE AND DENNIS EXIT.
                                   MAC
                      There is definite baldness going on
                      under that hat.
                                   DEE
                      Twelve times- that oughtta do it- I
                      just wish i could get a look at it.
                      (beat) You know, Charlie’s looking
                      pretty good, Mac- Dennis might just
                      win that bet.
                                   MAC
                      (dubious) No way.
                                   DEE
                      He looks like a different person. If I
                      was drunk, I might even be attracted
                      to him. God- how bad is that?
                                   MAC
                      All he did was shave and put on clean
                      clothes.
                                   DEE
                      I know.
               INT. PADDY’S PUB, BACK OFFICE, D-4, MOMENTS LATER
                (CHARLIE, DENNIS)
               CHARLIE AND DENNIS SIT OPPOSITE EACHOTHER, DISCUSSING THE
               PLAN.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I don’t know, I’ve got butterflies all
                      in my belly-  how am I going to walk
                      in there, what do I say?
                                   DENNIS
                      Just go against any Charlie instincts.
                      You know what- just don’t say
                      anything. Just walk in there, play it
                      aloof and cool.   She’ll notice you. I
                      treat that girl like garbage, and
                      she’s all over me- you’ve seen it- I
                      go out of my way to avoid her, and
                      it’s like flies on honey.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Can you not bring that up, dude? Kind
                      of a sore subject.
                                   DENNIS
                      Yeah, whatever- just pay attention to
                      what I’m saying. Just walk in there
                      and act like she doesn’t exist. You
                      look good- own it. Let her come to
                      you.
                                   CHARLIE
                      What do you mean?
                                   DENNIS
                      Own it.  Exude confidence. That’s the
                      thing women find most attractive. If
                      you believe you’re a man of wealth and
                      taste, so will she.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Okay. Still- I really think I could
                      take this whole thing over the edge if
                      I had a jean jacket.
                                   DENNIS
                      What is it with you and jean jackets?
                      That makes no sense whatsoever.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Fine, whatever. So- are we ready to f
                      this thing-
                          (Dennis gives him a look.)
                      Are we ready to do this?
                                   DENNIS
                      Yeah- I’ll be right behind you.
               INT. DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4 -3 PM
                (DENNIS, MAC)
               DENNIS AND MAC SIT PARKED ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE COFFEE
               SHOP, WAITING FOR CHARLIE TO ARRIVE.
               DENNIS HOLDS A PAIR OF BINOCULARS.
                                   DENNIS
                      I don’t see him yet.
                                   MAC
                      He’s always late. Usually it’s because
                      he’s stalking the waitress, though- so-
                      weird.
               EXT, OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4, MOMENTS LATER
                FRANK, CHARLIE
               FRANK’S HOOPDIE DRIVES UP AND STOPS IN FRONT OF THE COFFEE
               SHOP. FRANK BLARES THE OBNOXIOIUS HORN AS CHARLIE EXITS THE
               CAR, WEARING FRANK’S PATCHY JEAN JACKET.
               INT, DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, D-4 A SECOND LATER
                (DENNIS, MAC)
                                   DENNIS
                      Godamnit Charlie!
               MAC LAUGHS.
                                   MAC
                      I told you dude. Impervious.
               INT, THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4 A FEW MOMENTS LATER
                (WAITRESS, CHARLIE)
               THE WAITRESS SERVES HER CUSTOMERS FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AS
               CHARLIE ENTERS, STRUTTING UP TO THE COUNTER. HE WEARS
               SUNGLASSES, WHICH HE REMOVES SLOWLY.
                                   WAITRESS
                      Yes?
               CHARLIE, AS INSTRUCTED, DOESN’T SAY A WORD. THERE IS A LONG,
               AWKWARD PAUSE AS CHARLIE PEACOCKS, ADJUSTING HIS CLOTHES AND
               RUNNING HIS HANDS ALONG HIS CLEAN SHAVE.
                                   WAITRESS (CONT’D)
                      What do you want, Charlie?
               CHARLIE RAISES AN EYEBROW, ATTEMPTING A SMOLDER. THE WAITRESS
               BECOMES IMPATIENT.
                                   WAITRESS (CONT’D)
                      Are you going to order something?
                      (beat) What, are you mute now?
               CHARLIE SMIRKS, AND SPEAKS ALOUD, NOT TO THE WAITRESS, BUT TO
               HIMSELF, THOUGH IT APPEARS HE IS ADDRESSING THE WALL.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I’m a very busy man. A very handsome,
                      busy man. A man of. . . Riches- and
                      foods that taste good. Very good.
               THE WAITRESS LOOKS AT CHARLIE LIKE HE IS CRAZY.
                                   WAITRESS
                      What the hell are you doing?
               CHARLIE IGNORES THE WAITRESS AND SAUNTERS OFF TO FIND A SEAT.
               THE WAITRESS, ANNOYED, FOLLOWS HIM TO HIS SEAT AND HOVERS
               OVER HIM, ANGRY.
                                   CHARLIE
                      Bada-Bing, Bada-boom.
               CHARLIE SHOOTS A FINGER GUN AT THE WAITRESS AND WINKS.
                                   WAITRESS
                      Damn it Charlie, what? You want me to
                      see your stupid new haircut?
                      (Sarcastic) Wow. You shaved. I’m
                      overcome with lust.
                      You can’t loiter here- order something
                      or get the hell out.
               CHARLIE, CRUSHED, BREAKS CHARACTER.
                                   CHARLIE
                      (sheepish) I . . . I didn’t actually
                      bring any money.
               THE WAITRESS ROLLS HER EYES AND WALKS AWAY. CHARLIE,
               DEJECTED, EXITS.
               INT. DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4, A
               MOMENT LATER
                (DENNIS)
               DENNIS BEGRUDGINGLY HANDS MAC FIFTY DOLLARS.
                                   DENNIS
                      I don’t have time for this bullshit-
                      I’m going to be late for my audition.
               INT, A HOTEL LOBBY, D-4, A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                DENNIS
               DENNIS WALKS INTO THE LOBBY, AND FOLLOWS SIGNS DIRECTING HIM
               TO A BANQUET ROOM WHERE THE AUDITION IS BEING HELD. HE
               EXHALES NERVOUSLY.
               INT, BANQUET ROOM, D-4 A WHILE LATER
                (WOMAN, DENNIS, MAN)
               A WOMAN WITH A CLIPBOARD APPROACHES DENNIS, WHO IS SITTING IN
               A WAITING AREA.
                                   WOMAN
                      Dennis Reynolds?
                                   DENNIS
                      Yeah.
                                   WOMAN
                      Come with me- we’re ready for you.
               DENNIS FOLLOWS THE WOMAN INTO THE CENTER OF THE BANQUET ROOM,
               WHERE A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE SEATED BEHIND A BANQUET TABLE.
                                   MAN
                      Dennis, great- we’re excited to hear
                      you read. Have you done any previous
                      acting?
                                   DENNIS
                      Not professionally, but. . . It’s a
                      part of my life- it just comes
                      naturally.
                                   MAN
                      Great. Okay- can you remove your hat,
                      please?
               DENNIS PAUSES, RELUCTANT.
                                   DENNIS
                      I thought it might work for the
                      character- you know. . .
               THE MAN INTERRUPTS HIM.
                                   MAN
                      That’s something we can determine
                      later- go ahead and take it off for
                      now.
               DENNIS IS DEEPLY TROUBLED BY THIS.
                                   DENNIS
                      (weakly) Okay.
               AFTER A LONG, DRAMATIC PAUSE, DENNIS REMOVES THE HAT- AND
               WITH IT, THE ENTIRE TOP PORTION OF HIS HAIR. THE TOP OF HIS
               HEAD IS NOW COMPLETELY BALD- AGING HIM DRASTICALLY.
               THE MAN AND WOMAN BOTH CRINGE, LETTING OUT NOISES OF SURPRISE
               AND DISGUST.
               INT, DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, D-4 A FEW MINUTES LATER
                DENNIS
               DENNIS, SPORTING A FRANK-LIKE BALD SPOT, STARES INTO SPACE AS
               IF HE HAS LOST THE WILL TO LIVE.
               INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-4, A LITTLE WHILE LATER
                (DEE, DENNIS, CHARLIE, MAC, FRANK)
               CHARLIE, MAC, DEE AND FRANK SIT AROUND THE BAR AS DENNIS
               ENTERS, HIS HEAD HUNG LOW. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS IN THE
               BAR. DENNIS WEARS HIS BALDNESS OPENLY, TOO DEPRESSED TO CARE.
               HE POURS HIMSELF SEVERAL SHOTS, AND TAKES THEM, ONE BY ONE.
                                   DEE
                      How’d that audition go?
               DENNIS LOOKS UP AT HER AND SCOWLS.
                                   DENNIS
                      This is all your fault, Charlie!
               CHARLIE LOOKS INCREDULOUS.
                                   CHARLIE
                      What? What did I do?
                                   DENNIS
                      I caught lice- or fleas- or some hair
                      eating parasite from your apartment!
               DEE SNORTS. DENNIS SHOOTS HER A LOOK.
                                   CHARLIE
                      I’ve had lice a thousand times. That’s
                      not the way it works. Maybe you’re
                      just losing your hair, dude.
                                   MAC
                      He has a point. I mean, we are getting
                      older.
               FRANK GIGGLES.
                                   FRANK
                      It’s not so bad. You look like me.
               DENNIS GRIMACES.
                                   DENNIS
                      I had my foot in the door- I was on my
                      way up.
                                   FRANK
                      Nah, that audition was a fake.
               EVERYONE LOOKS AT FRANK.
                                   DENNIS
                      What? No it wasn’t. I went to an
                      audition at a hotel- I read from a
                      script.
                                   FRANK
                      Yeah- the whole thing- the agent,
                      everything- I set it all up.
                                   DEE
                      Wow. This is like, the best day ever.
                                   DENNIS
                      What?? Why would you do that?
                                   FRANK
                      To pin you against your sister.
                      Nothing like a good, healthy dose of
                      competition. It was also funny as
                      shit. The way you thought you were
                      gonna be a big movie star- priceless!
                                   MAC
                      Wow. You are a devious son of a bitch,
                      Frank, but I like your style.
               DEE AND MAC LAUGH AS DENNIS STARES AT FRANK IN DISBELIEF.
                                   DENNIS
                      (Re: hair) So- wait- YOU did this to
                      me?
                                   FRANK
                      Nah- that was just dumb luck.
               FRANK LAUGHS, PROUD OF HIMSELF

                                  END OF ACT THREE
                                        TAG
               INT. PADDY’S PUB, D-4, MOMENTS LATER
               DENNIS SITS NEXT TO FRANK AT THE BAR, FUMING.
                                   DENNIS
                      You are a bad, bad little man, Frank.
                      What goes around comes around- I just
                      hope you don’t get hit by a truck, you
                      sick, pathetic bastard.
               FRANK LAUGHS.
               A MAN COMES UP TO THE BAR TO ORDER A BEER, OBVIOUSLY DRUNK.
                                   BARFLY
                      I’ll have a corona- say- (Re: Dennis
                      and Frank) are you two brothers? You
                      look like twins!
               FRANK BEAMS WIDELY, DENNIS HANGS HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AND
               SORROW, HIS LIPS TREMBLING.
                                   DENNIS
                      My life is over.

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