Title: 9:30 PM
Title: On a Wednesday
Title: Philadelphia, PA
INT, PADDY’S PUB, NIGHT 1
Dennis is working behind the bar, pouring drinks and talking
to Mac, who sits across the bar. Dee sits behind the bar
reading a newspaper.
Who knows, man- he’s probably off
stalking that waitress chick. Wait-
what time is it? Nine thirty- yeah-
that’s exactly where he is.
DENNIS SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF
Has he- I mean really- has he ever
been laid? What is with the undying
devotion? Even Dee is better looking
than that girl.
QUICK CUT TO DEE, WHO ROLLS HER EYES
That. . . Is an interesting question.
He could very possibly be a virgin.
You don’t think-
It would explain a lot. Look at him.
There is no sexuality there. None.
He’s got the sexuality of an eight
Dude- why are you bringing eight-year
old boys into this? Gross.
No, see- that’s my point. Charlie
thinks like an eight year old. Look
at the way he is fixated on one- not
particularly attractive female- if he
had a normal sex drive, he’d have
banged her by now. Guys like Charlie-
with normal sex drives- well, they’re
rapists, Mac. Charlie’s gotta be a
MAC TAKES THIS IN
FROM ACROSS THE BAR, A MAN CATCHES DENNIS’ ATTENTION.
I’m sorry, but I just have to tell
you, you are a very handsome man. Have
you ever done any acting?
DENNIS IS CLEARLY PLEASED BY THIS. FLATTERED, HE SMILES,
DRINKING IN THE COMPLIMENT.
Well, not officially- but I have done
some modeling, you know- here and
MAC SCOFFS, DENNIS GIVES HIM A WARNING LOOK.
I can see that. Here, take my card.
I’m an agent.
THE MAN HOLDS OUT HIS BUSINESS CARD, WHICH DENNIS TAKES.
No shit? Cool man, thanks.
DEE, OBVIOUSLY INTERESTED, HURRIES OVER AND TRIES TO INCLUDE
HERSELF IN THE CONVERSATION.
Hi. Hello. I’m- we’re brother and
sister. I’m an actress. My name’s Dee-
well, it’s Deeandra, but people call
me Dee. Sweet Dee. Kinda like Sweet
Tea- but not T-
DENNIS PUTS A HAND UP, ATTEMPTING TO SILENCE HER.
Um, Dee, I’m pretty sure the man
doesn’t need to hear about your
pathetic youtube videos. You’ll have
to excuse her. You mention show
business and this one- well, she’s
DENNIS PUSHES DEE OUT OF THE WAY, TRYING TO CLAIM THE AGENT’S
ATTENTION FOR HIMSELF.
Right. Well. I have to be going. Keep
that card. I think you’ve got a real
THE MAN GETS UP AND EXITS. DENNIS STARES AFTER HIM, HOLDING
THE CARD. DENNIS TURNS TO DEE, SMILING, AS SHE GLARES AT HIM
You hear that Dee? I’m gonna be an
This is bullshit.
END OF COLD OPEN
Title: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Title: “The Rise and Fall of Dennis Reynolds”
INT. PADDY’S PUB, DAY 2
(DENNIS, DEE, MAC)
DENNIS ENTERS EXCITEDLY, JOINING MAC AND DEE, WHO STAND
BEHIND THE BAR.
(Re: envelope) This right here is the
beginning. I just got head shots- I
gotta get this thing rolling. Check
DENNIS DISPLAYS A HEAD SHOT OF HIMSELF IN A SMUG POSE. THE
PHOTOS HAVE CLEARLY BEEN VERY FLATTERINGLY PHOTO-SHOPPED.
Are you serious? It’s like they shaved
off half of your nose.
This bitterness is really
unflattering, Dee. Stop projecting
your failure and get me a beer.
You know dude, I’ve always wondered
what it would be like to be in an
action film- blowing stuff up, all
sweaty and shit- do you think I could
be an actor? Like- seriously.
DENNIS CONSIDERS THIS A MOMENT
Well, maybe. But I don’t know. See-
I’ve been blessed with a naturally
chiseled face- it’s all about bone
I’ve got good bone structure.
Yeah, but see, the camera distorts
your image- in real life, yeah, you’re
great looking, but with those cheeks-
the camera would make you look like
DENNIS SLAPS MAC ON THE BACK REASSURINGLY.
So, I’ve been thinking about this
whole Charlie thing. Do you think he’s
really a virgin? How pathetic would
I am about 90% positive he’s never
even seen a vagina. Should we step in?
I mean, seriously, his life is a
Dude, do you know how many times I
have tried to get him laid? That, my
friend, is a lost cause.
No way. I could hook it up, no
The guy has been lingering in alleys
for years- stalking a girl. Let alone
the fact that he smells like diapers
and gun powder.
Nah. A little shave and a haircut-
along with some valuable lessons in
class- there’s nothing do it.
I’m telling you, Charlie will find a
way to sabotage any efforts you make.
Care to make it interesting?
What, you want to bet on it? On
Fifty bucks says I can get Charlie a
date with the waitress.
And if she sleeps with him-(he thinks
for a while) you have to give me the
Dude- you’re straight up crazy. That
will NEVER happen.
So, do we have a bet?
Sure, but you just lost fifty dollars.
You go ahead and try your little
Cinderella thing, but mark my words-
Charlie is impervious to make-overs.
We’ll see about that.
INT. PADDY’S PUB, D2-LATER
DENNIS, MAC AND DEE ALL HANG OUT BEHIND THE BAR.
CHARLIE ENTERS, AND DENNIS GETS UP TO GREET HIM- HIS
Hey Buddy. How’s it goin’?
DENNIS WRAPS AN ARM AROUND CHARLIE AND MAC ROLLS HIS EYES,
BUT CHARLIE DOESN’T TAKE NOTICE OF THE OBVIOUS MANIPULATION.
DENNIS CORNERS CHARLIE OFF, LEADING HIM TO A PLACE WHERE THEY
CAN TALK PRIVATELY.
Uh, I’m okay dude- what’s up?
You’re looking good.
I am? Thanks, man- I-
DENNIS CUTS HIM OFF
So how’re things going with the
CHARLIE PAUSES, EMBARRASSED
What? What are you talking about? I
was with Frank.
Right. Let’s skip the bullshit,
Charlie- What would you say if I told
you that I could turn your life
Dude- what are talking about? I- this
better not be an intervention- I
haven’t done anything illegal, man-
DENNIS PUTS A HAND UP, REASSURING HIM.
What would you say if I told you I
could get you a date with the waitress
nay- any woman of your choosing?
CHARLIE IS CONFUSED, BUT SUDDENLY VERY INTERESTED IN WHAT
DENNIS HAS TO SAY.
Well I’d say that would be stupendous.
Good. Now- if I’m going to do this-
and trust me- I know what I’m doing
seriously- look at me- If I’m going to
share my secrets, I need something
CHARLIE IS DUBIOUS
I just need your trust, Charlie. Do as
I say- and I will transform your life.
This is all sounding pretty great, man-
but like- you’re not gonna hypnotize
me or use some kind of voodoo, right?
I don’t wanna shit my pants or
Voodoo? Charlie- no one wants you to
shit your pants, least of all me. I
want to clean up your image.
Oh. Okay. Cool.
(conspiring, lowering his voice to a
whisper) Okay- I’ll meet you at your
place later tonight- we don’t need Mac
finding out about this- got it?
CHARLIE LOOKS AT MAC KNOWINGLY AND NODS IN AGREEMENT.
JUST THEN, FROM OUTSIDE, THERE COMES THE SOUND OF A HORN
BLARING “LA CUCARACHA”. A FEW MOMENTS LATER, FRANK BURSTS
INTO THE BAR.
Papa’s got a brand new bag!
FRANK, WEARING A 70’S LEISURE SUIT, DOES A LITTLE SPIN,
SHOWING OFF HIS NEW GARB, WHILE HE JANGLES THE KEYS TO HIS
What on earth are you wearing?
MAC, CHARLIE AND DEE GATHER AROUND.
Is that velvet?
FRANK NODS, SMUG.
You gotta see this- come out here and
check out my new ride.
EXT, OUTSIDE PADDY’S PUB, D2- A FEW MOMENTS LATER
THE GANG AND FRANK GATHER AROUND FRANK’S NEW CAR, A 1978
CHEVY EL CAMINO, A MEXICAN FLAG PAINTED ON ITS BODY.
Jesus Christ, Frank,.
Ain’t she a beauty?
That is officially the ugliest car I
have ever seen.
This here is a bang-machine!
DENNIS AND DEE EXCHANGE DISGUSTED GLANCES.
What’s up with the Mexican flag
painted on it?
Why not? The Latinas love it.
FRANK DOES A SUGGESTIVE LITTLE HIP THRUST.
Thank god we’re not related by blood.
C’mon Charlie- let’s go get some tacos
CHARLIE GRINS WIDELY, EXCITED, AND JUMPS INTO THE PASSENGER
Awesome. Man, this thing is great.
CHARLIE CATCHES DENNIS’S ATTENTION AND ATTEMPTS,
UNSUCCESSFULLY, TO BE VAGUE
See you tonight, about the. . . You
ANGLE ON MAC, WHO GIVES DENNIS A LOOK AS IF TO SAY, “GOOD
LUCK,IDIOT” AS CHARLIE AND FRANK DRIVE AWAY.
INT. PADDY’S PUB, D2-LATER
(MAC, DENNIS, DEE)
DEE, MAC AND DENNIS HANG AROUND THE BAR TALKING.
I still think I’d make a pretty good
villain, man- you should drop my name
to that agent. Remember project
badass? You guys loved those tapes.
No can do, brother- this is serious
business. I can’t start asking favors
straight off- I’ve got to work on MY
brand. It’s all about self-promotion.
Besides, dude- if we’re being honest
with ourselves, project badasss was a
blatant rip off if Jackass. It was
cool and all- but you’re not going to
impress anyone important with that.
MAC SEEMS HURT.
You really are a selfish bastard. You
couldn’t just slip this guy my head
Did you hear anything I just said?
Jesus. I don’t want to be the asshole
here, but you two are seriously acting
like a couple of groupies. I’m not
even famous yet and already you’re
suckling at the teet of my success.
(Dee and mac exchange an
Now- if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to
go win a bet.
This can’t happen, Mac- we’ve got to
Project Badass was genius! You thought
(manipulative) Of course. What an
He’s really letting this whole thing
go to his head. It’s disgusting.
You think he’s disgusting now, just
wait until he gets a role- this is
going to blow up in our faces, Mac.
It’s dangerous. We’ve got to nip this
thing in the bud. (beat) And I think I
have a plan.
Remember in Junior High, when like,
all my hair fell out?
Yeah, we all thought you had cancer or
Yeah, no- some bitch spiked my shampoo
with Nair- you know, that hair removal
Oh my god, that’s brilliant! Dennis
loves his hair.
Without his precious hair, those
features won’t look so chiseled. His
hair is his strength. We’ve got to
take his power away, Mac- before it’s
MAC AND DEE SHARE A MEANINGFUL LOOK.
END OF ACT ONE
INT. CHARLIE’S APARTMENT, D2- LATER THAT DAY
CHARLIE SITS ON THE COUCH, STARING INTO NOTHINGNESS. THERE IS
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. CHARLIE OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL DENNIS,
WHO HAS BROUGHT A BAG OF SUPPLIES AND A CASE OF BEER WITH
Hey buddy. Are we ready to f this
thing in the a?
Step one: stop saying shit like that.
Step two: god, we’ve got so many steps
I don’t even know where to begin-here-
sit down- have a beer.
DENNIS MOTIONS CHARLIE OVER TO THE COUCH, WHERE THEY SIT, AND
CRACK OPEN A FEW BEERS.
DENNIS SURVEYS THE APARTMENT IN DISGUST, THEN TURNS TO
CHARLIE, LOOKING HIM UP AND DOWN. CHARLIE, WEARING HIS USUAL
IN-HOUSE UNIFORM OF LONGJOHNS, A T-SHIRT AND DIRTY SOCKS,
ENDURES THE SCRUTINY LIKE A DOG BEING PUNISHED.
Okay. I’m going to go ahead and ignore
the filth around me and cut to the
core of this- because chances are- no
woman, regardless of her level of self
respect would ever come here(beat)
there are like, forty dead mice in
here- but- okay- when was the last
time you shaved?
Um, no, I don’t shave, dude.
Well, you must shave at some point.
Nope, never done it. I never shave.
That’s bullshit, Charlie- if you never
shaved, you’d look like Moses by now-
you have to have shaved at some point
Nah, I just singe off the ends with a
lighter when they get too long.
DENNIS LOOKS AT CHARLIE STRANGELY.
What?? You singe off your hair? What
is wrong with you, Charlie? Why
wouldn’t you just shave it? You are
seriously. . . More and more like a
homeless person every day.
I don’t know man, I just- I never had
a dad around to teach me, and you know
I like fire- it just works for me, you
Dude, no, it doesn’t. Remember what I
said earlier about the trust thing?
Don’t resist me on this Charlie, just
shave. Ladies like a clean shave. I
know that waitress does. I even
brought you a new razor. It’s easy.
DENNIS HANDS CHARLIE A SHAVING KIT.
CHARLIE LOOKS DUBIOUS.
I don’t know, man, I’m just not really
comfortable putting a blade this close
to my face.
Yet you’re willing to risk third
degree burns? Just do it, idiot. Now
stand up and turn around. I need your
THEY STAND AS DENNIS TAKES OUT A MEASURING TAPE AND GOES
ABOUT MEASURING CHARLIE.
INT. MAC AND DENNIS’S APARTMENT, D-2 AROUND THE SAME TIME
DEE AND MAC ENTER THE APARTMENT CAUTIOUSLY, LOOKING AROUND TO
MAKE SURE THAT DENNIS IS STILL GONE.
Yeah- he’s still out- it’s all clear.
THEY MOVE INTO THE BATHROOM, WHERE DEE PRODUCES A LARGE
BOTTLE OF NAIR FROM A PAPER BAG.
Grab his shampoo- and empty like half
of it out.
MAC POURS DENNIS’S SHAMPOO DOWN THE SINK DRAIN.
Okay. Go ahead.
MAC HOLDS THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE WHILE DEE POURS THE ENTIRE
CONTENTS OF THE HAIR REMOVER INTO THE SHAMPOO.
DEE AND MAC LAUGH MENACINGLY.
INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-3 AROUND LUNCH TIME
(DENNIS, DEE, CHARLIE, MAC)
MAC, DEE AND CHARLIE ALL HANG OUT AROUND THE BAR. DENNIS
ENTERS, TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE.
You got it. Great.
(Dennis hangs up the phone
and struts over to the bar.)
Guess who just got an audition?
DEE IS CLEARLY UPSET BY THIS.
What?? How is that even possible?
This Saturday, I will be auditioning
for the role of “Tyler”- the lead in
an independent thriller co-starring
none other than Vin Diesel.
Dude! That’s so awesome!
So- just like that? A lead?
I know, right? I couldn’t believe it
myself- I’ve already got like 1200
followers on Twitter. This is
This is insane.
I’ve gotta go run these lines- I just
thought I’d let you guys know. Oh-and
Charlie- I’ll meet you at your place
(Dennis turns to address
This isn’t over.
What was that all about? What’s not
Nothing man- hey- Dee- come see
something in the bathroom for a
CHARLIE LOOKS AT THEM STRANGELY AS DEE AND MAC EXIT.
INT. PADDY’S PUB BATHROOM, D-3, MOMENTS LATER
MAC AND DEE CONSPIRE
Did you see his hair?
Yep. Full as ever. Stupid bastard.
You’ve got to get him to use more, Mac-
we need him hairless by Saturday. I
want those producers to laugh in his
disgusting bald face.
I think I have an idea.
INT.CHARLIE’S APARTMENT, D-3, LATER THAT EVENING
CHARLIE HEARS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND OPENS IT TO REVEAL
DENNIS, WHO ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE BAG OF SUPPLIES.
All I told you to do was shave,
I couldn’t- I just- dude I was – It
just didn’t happen, okay?
Whatever, we’ve got serious work to
1. DENNIS SHAVES CHARLIE, AS CHARLIE CLOSES HIS EYES,
PETRIFIED, GRIPPING THE SIDES OF THE CHAIR.
2. DENNIS CUTS CHARLIE’S HAIR, AS CHARLIE KEEPS SCRATCHING
3. DENNIS STANDS NEXT TO AN INSTRUCTIONAL POSTER HE’S MADE,
POINTING OUT KEY DATING TIPS WRITTEN IN VERY SIMPLE ENGLISH.
4. CHARLIE MODELS HIS NEW LOOK, COMPLETE WITH NEW CLOTHES- A
STYLISH ENSEMBLE DENNIS HAS PICKED OUT.
Looking sharp, my man!
I don’t know dude- I’m not sure this
That’s the point, Charlie. “YOU” live
in a rat infested shit-hole and eat
out of the garbage. We’re trying to
leave that Charlie behind. This is the
Alright, alright, I get your point. I
still feel like something’s missing
though. Like maybe- maybe I should be
rocking a jean jacket.
What? Goddamnit, no- you look great-
now- remember we’re executing
Operation Waitress Swoon tomorrow
afternoon around three- you think you
can handle it?
CHARLIE SMILES WIDELY AND SLOWLY, RAISING A SINGLE EYEBROW.
THERE IS AN AWKWARD PAUSE AS DENNIS LOOKS AT HIM EXPECTANTLY.
Yeah, yeah- whatever.
INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-3 LATER THAT NIGHT
(DEE, DENNIS, MAC)
DEE AND MAC ARE STANDING AROUND THE BAR AS DENNIS WALKS IN,
(bitter) I thought you were running
I think I’ve got it down- I just came
from Charlie’s- you might want to get
that Duster ready for me, Mac. I’m
thinking it might really work for my
MAC GLANCES QUICKLY AT DEE AND THEN BEGINS TO SCRATCH HIS
The bet was that if Charlie slept with
the waitress you get the duster- and
I’m sorry man, but I just don’t see
that happening, like, ever. When’s all
this going down anyway?
Tomorrow afternoon, before my
audition. I say you and I tail Charlie
on his way in to the coffee shop to
see how he does.
MAC CONTINUES TO SCRATCH.
Yeah, okay. You are going Dooown, bro.
What’s with all the scratching? You
look like Charlie.
Yeah, I don’t know, I feel like I
might have caught lice from him or
something, dude. Wait- weren’t you at
his apartment? You should really be
careful, man- Charlie’s filthy.
DENNIS BEGINS TO PANIC INWARDLY.
Oh god, this is bad.
INT, CHARLIE’S APARTMENT, EARLIER THAT DAY
DENNIS STANDS OVER CHARLIE AS HE IS CUTTING HIS HAIR, AND
PIECES OF CHARLIE’S HAIR FLY AROUND.
INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-3 A FEW MOMENTS LATER
I’ve gotta go-
DENNIS EXITS HASTILY, MESSING WITH HIS HAIR.
DEE LOOKS AT MAC PROUDLY AND THEY HIGH-FIVE.
END OF ACT TWO
INT. MAC AND DENNIS’S APARTMENT, D-4, MORNING
DENNIS STEPS OUT OF THE SHOWER LOOKING TROUBLED. HE RUNS HIS
HANDS OVER HIS HEAD, SCRATCHING- PULLING OUT CLUMPS OF HIS
OWN HAIR. HE LOOKS IN THE MIRROR FRANTICALLY, REALIZING THAT
HIS HAIR HAS DRASTICALLY THINNED. HE BEGINS TO PANIC, LOOKING
AROUND FOR SOMETHING.
INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-4, LATER THAT DAY
(DEE, MAC, DENNIS, CHARLIE)
DEE AND MAC HANG AROUND THE BAR AS DENNIS ENTERS, WEARING AND
AWKWARD- LOOKING HAT.
(Re: hat) What the hell are you
wearing on your head?
DENNIS PRETENDS TO IGNORE HER.
That is not a good look for you.
Shut up. This is a prop. I’m just
preparing for my audition- it’s called
method acting- something neither of
you would know anything about.
Method acting, huh? What method are
you using? The gay leprechaun method?
Seriously, where did you even find
CHARLIE ENTERS, DECKED OUT IN HIS NEW ATTIRE. MAC AND DEE
(re: Charlie) Now that is a good look.
Wow, Charlie! What happened to you?
CHARLIE DOES A LITTLE SPIN, SMILING. HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS AND
FORMS A GUN WITH HIS THUMB AND FOREFINGER.
ANGLE ON DENNIS, WHO GIVES MAC A SMUG LOOK AND PATS CHARLIE
ON THE BACK.
Meet my protege, the new and improved
Charlie, you look amazing.
I know, right? At first I was like,
ehh, I don’t know. . . But it’s like
I’m a new man- people are treating me
differently- cops aren’t following me-
even the stray cats have backed off.
I. Feel. Incredible. (Re: Dennis) And
it’s all thanks to this man right
here. By the way, what’s up with your
hat, dude? That thing is ridiculous.
I don’t want to hear it from you,
Charlie- I was so afraid that I caught
lice from your apartment, I washed my
hair like twelve times.
DEE AND MAC EXCHANGE A LOOK
CHARLIE DEFLECTS THE INSULT.
Yeah- I don’t know about lice, but
there are definitely fleas in there.
Sorry bro. (beat) So can we, um. . .
You know, about the-
CHARLIE MOTIONS TO THE OFFICE.
CHARLIE AND DENNIS EXIT.
There is definite baldness going on
under that hat.
Twelve times- that oughtta do it- I
just wish i could get a look at it.
(beat) You know, Charlie’s looking
pretty good, Mac- Dennis might just
win that bet.
(dubious) No way.
He looks like a different person. If I
was drunk, I might even be attracted
to him. God- how bad is that?
All he did was shave and put on clean
INT. PADDY’S PUB, BACK OFFICE, D-4, MOMENTS LATER
CHARLIE AND DENNIS SIT OPPOSITE EACHOTHER, DISCUSSING THE
I don’t know, I’ve got butterflies all
in my belly- how am I going to walk
in there, what do I say?
Just go against any Charlie instincts.
You know what- just don’t say
anything. Just walk in there, play it
aloof and cool. She’ll notice you. I
treat that girl like garbage, and
she’s all over me- you’ve seen it- I
go out of my way to avoid her, and
it’s like flies on honey.
Can you not bring that up, dude? Kind
of a sore subject.
Yeah, whatever- just pay attention to
what I’m saying. Just walk in there
and act like she doesn’t exist. You
look good- own it. Let her come to
What do you mean?
Own it. Exude confidence. That’s the
thing women find most attractive. If
you believe you’re a man of wealth and
taste, so will she.
Okay. Still- I really think I could
take this whole thing over the edge if
I had a jean jacket.
What is it with you and jean jackets?
That makes no sense whatsoever.
Fine, whatever. So- are we ready to f
(Dennis gives him a look.)
Are we ready to do this?
Yeah- I’ll be right behind you.
INT. DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4 -3 PM
DENNIS AND MAC SIT PARKED ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE COFFEE
SHOP, WAITING FOR CHARLIE TO ARRIVE.
DENNIS HOLDS A PAIR OF BINOCULARS.
I don’t see him yet.
He’s always late. Usually it’s because
he’s stalking the waitress, though- so-
EXT, OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4, MOMENTS LATER
FRANK’S HOOPDIE DRIVES UP AND STOPS IN FRONT OF THE COFFEE
SHOP. FRANK BLARES THE OBNOXIOIUS HORN AS CHARLIE EXITS THE
CAR, WEARING FRANK’S PATCHY JEAN JACKET.
INT, DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, D-4 A SECOND LATER
I told you dude. Impervious.
INT, THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4 A FEW MOMENTS LATER
THE WAITRESS SERVES HER CUSTOMERS FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AS
CHARLIE ENTERS, STRUTTING UP TO THE COUNTER. HE WEARS
SUNGLASSES, WHICH HE REMOVES SLOWLY.
CHARLIE, AS INSTRUCTED, DOESN’T SAY A WORD. THERE IS A LONG,
AWKWARD PAUSE AS CHARLIE PEACOCKS, ADJUSTING HIS CLOTHES AND
RUNNING HIS HANDS ALONG HIS CLEAN SHAVE.
What do you want, Charlie?
CHARLIE RAISES AN EYEBROW, ATTEMPTING A SMOLDER. THE WAITRESS
Are you going to order something?
(beat) What, are you mute now?
CHARLIE SMIRKS, AND SPEAKS ALOUD, NOT TO THE WAITRESS, BUT TO
HIMSELF, THOUGH IT APPEARS HE IS ADDRESSING THE WALL.
I’m a very busy man. A very handsome,
busy man. A man of. . . Riches- and
foods that taste good. Very good.
THE WAITRESS LOOKS AT CHARLIE LIKE HE IS CRAZY.
What the hell are you doing?
CHARLIE IGNORES THE WAITRESS AND SAUNTERS OFF TO FIND A SEAT.
THE WAITRESS, ANNOYED, FOLLOWS HIM TO HIS SEAT AND HOVERS
OVER HIM, ANGRY.
CHARLIE SHOOTS A FINGER GUN AT THE WAITRESS AND WINKS.
Damn it Charlie, what? You want me to
see your stupid new haircut?
(Sarcastic) Wow. You shaved. I’m
overcome with lust.
You can’t loiter here- order something
or get the hell out.
CHARLIE, CRUSHED, BREAKS CHARACTER.
(sheepish) I . . . I didn’t actually
bring any money.
THE WAITRESS ROLLS HER EYES AND WALKS AWAY. CHARLIE,
INT. DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, OUTSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP, D-4, A
DENNIS BEGRUDGINGLY HANDS MAC FIFTY DOLLARS.
I don’t have time for this bullshit-
I’m going to be late for my audition.
INT, A HOTEL LOBBY, D-4, A LITTLE WHILE LATER
DENNIS WALKS INTO THE LOBBY, AND FOLLOWS SIGNS DIRECTING HIM
TO A BANQUET ROOM WHERE THE AUDITION IS BEING HELD. HE
INT, BANQUET ROOM, D-4 A WHILE LATER
(WOMAN, DENNIS, MAN)
A WOMAN WITH A CLIPBOARD APPROACHES DENNIS, WHO IS SITTING IN
A WAITING AREA.
Come with me- we’re ready for you.
DENNIS FOLLOWS THE WOMAN INTO THE CENTER OF THE BANQUET ROOM,
WHERE A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE SEATED BEHIND A BANQUET TABLE.
Dennis, great- we’re excited to hear
you read. Have you done any previous
Not professionally, but. . . It’s a
part of my life- it just comes
Great. Okay- can you remove your hat,
DENNIS PAUSES, RELUCTANT.
I thought it might work for the
character- you know. . .
THE MAN INTERRUPTS HIM.
That’s something we can determine
later- go ahead and take it off for
DENNIS IS DEEPLY TROUBLED BY THIS.
AFTER A LONG, DRAMATIC PAUSE, DENNIS REMOVES THE HAT- AND
WITH IT, THE ENTIRE TOP PORTION OF HIS HAIR. THE TOP OF HIS
HEAD IS NOW COMPLETELY BALD- AGING HIM DRASTICALLY.
THE MAN AND WOMAN BOTH CRINGE, LETTING OUT NOISES OF SURPRISE
INT, DENNIS’S RANGE ROVER, D-4 A FEW MINUTES LATER
DENNIS, SPORTING A FRANK-LIKE BALD SPOT, STARES INTO SPACE AS
IF HE HAS LOST THE WILL TO LIVE.
INT, PADDY’S PUB, D-4, A LITTLE WHILE LATER
(DEE, DENNIS, CHARLIE, MAC, FRANK)
CHARLIE, MAC, DEE AND FRANK SIT AROUND THE BAR AS DENNIS
ENTERS, HIS HEAD HUNG LOW. THERE ARE A FEW CUSTOMERS IN THE
BAR. DENNIS WEARS HIS BALDNESS OPENLY, TOO DEPRESSED TO CARE.
HE POURS HIMSELF SEVERAL SHOTS, AND TAKES THEM, ONE BY ONE.
How’d that audition go?
DENNIS LOOKS UP AT HER AND SCOWLS.
This is all your fault, Charlie!
CHARLIE LOOKS INCREDULOUS.
What? What did I do?
I caught lice- or fleas- or some hair
eating parasite from your apartment!
DEE SNORTS. DENNIS SHOOTS HER A LOOK.
I’ve had lice a thousand times. That’s
not the way it works. Maybe you’re
just losing your hair, dude.
He has a point. I mean, we are getting
It’s not so bad. You look like me.
I had my foot in the door- I was on my
Nah, that audition was a fake.
EVERYONE LOOKS AT FRANK.
What? No it wasn’t. I went to an
audition at a hotel- I read from a
Yeah- the whole thing- the agent,
everything- I set it all up.
Wow. This is like, the best day ever.
What?? Why would you do that?
To pin you against your sister.
Nothing like a good, healthy dose of
competition. It was also funny as
shit. The way you thought you were
gonna be a big movie star- priceless!
Wow. You are a devious son of a bitch,
Frank, but I like your style.
DEE AND MAC LAUGH AS DENNIS STARES AT FRANK IN DISBELIEF.
(Re: hair) So- wait- YOU did this to
Nah- that was just dumb luck.
FRANK LAUGHS, PROUD OF HIMSELF
END OF ACT THREE
INT. PADDY’S PUB, D-4, MOMENTS LATER
DENNIS SITS NEXT TO FRANK AT THE BAR, FUMING.
You are a bad, bad little man, Frank.
What goes around comes around- I just
hope you don’t get hit by a truck, you
sick, pathetic bastard.
A MAN COMES UP TO THE BAR TO ORDER A BEER, OBVIOUSLY DRUNK.
I’ll have a corona- say- (Re: Dennis
and Frank) are you two brothers? You
look like twins!
FRANK BEAMS WIDELY, DENNIS HANGS HIS HEAD IN DISBELIEF AND
SORROW, HIS LIPS TREMBLING.
My life is over.