A Dissertation on Le Douche

“Douchebags”. They’re a dime a dozen. On any given day, you’ve probably eyed such a person and tacitly confirmed their douchebaggery. This being said, these “douchebags” are as varied and unique as snowflakes. Douchebag #1, for instance, probably thinks Douchebag #3 is a real tool.
1. The Racially Confused D-Bag
 He is usually white, and comes from a good family, but sprinkles phrases like “skrillah”, and “nah, dawg” into his sentences. He’d like to think that he has something he refers to as “street cred”. He doesn’t.  He generally hangs out in strip clubs, bars, or outside of the local gas station smoking black and milds looking to pick up “honeys”. He wears oversized jerseys, backwards caps or bandanas and has a tendency to overcoordinate. He loiters around the kiosk at the mall that sells “bling” and tries to steal, but never quite musters the confidence, blaming the security guard for “meanmugging” him. He thinks he has swagger and attempts to prove so frequently. 2. The Holier than thou D-Bag
This D bag comes in all shapes and forms. He operates like a normal human being until you press his buttons and find out what he’s into. If it’s music, he will scoff at your ignorance- he’s got the lastest LP from Iceland’s most elusive indie band and laughs at you for liking Coldplay. If it’s Politics or Travel he’s into, he will make you endure lengthy diatribes until your eyes feel like they are about to bulge from your skull and when he sees this he’ll call you “what’s wrong with America’. He likes to remind you of how stupid, uncultured and unlucky you are. He has been to the most remote countries, dated the hottest girls, and probably even met the President. If you get the chance, slap him. He won’t fight back, he’ll just call you a “trogledite.”

3. The Guy who wears a muscle T-shirt
No matter what his race, creed, or sexual orientation, the guy that goes prancing around in broad daylight wearing a muscle T-shirt automatically gets a big D-Bag stamp. He might as well tattoo “look at my muscles” onto both of his biceps- but he’d never do that- because he just wears that muscle-shirt everywhere because “it’s comfortable”- just like flexing in front of the mirror is.
4. Manwhores
This guy thinks he is god’s gift to women. He prides himself on the number of women he has coerced into bed, and goes “hunting” every weekend night. He has more profile photos on facebook than you have in your entire albums, each one douchier than the next. He takes his shirt off at any opportunity and will claim to like Miley Cyrus if he thinks it will get him laid. He likes to buy Magnums, but he’s not quite there. Too many women have lied to this man- and they created a monster.

5.The Blogger D-Bag
This guy makes fun of anything and everything. He gets in internet fights, though he could never hold his own in an actual fight. He has a wicked vocabulary, and likes using it to insult people. He obsesses over how many followers he has on Twitter but has very few real friends.
6. The “Me first” D- bag
This guy just can’t seem to grasp the concept of other people. He thinks he is entitled to the best of the best, even though he’s done nothing in particular to deserve it. He will cut in front of you in line, cut you off in traffic, and make sure to sigh loudly and roll his eyes when asked to wait for anything.

Needless to say, there are far more classifications of this species.  Look out- you just might be sitting next to one of them. 


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